I decided to take a chance

Last week, I spent a day on retreat.  It began with Morning Prayer, and ended with a visit to my spiritual director, but in between was a blank slate.  And I have to admit that I was anxious about that blank slate.  What would I do?  How would I spend the time?  What if I got bored?

I packed my car with lunch, coffee, knitting, a picnic blanket, bug spray, a prayer book and bible, a journal and pen, a couple of other theological books, and a novel, just in case. I wasn’t leaving anything to chance.

But when I reached the retreat center, I decided to take a chance.  I sprayed myself with bug spray, put on a hat, and left everything else behind.  Then I wandered down to the river, and sat on a rock a couple of feet out from the shore.  And said, “God, I’m here.”

About twenty minutes in, it began to dawn on me.  I didn’t need to fill the time; God would be there - just as God is there every instant of my life. I just don’t stop still often enough to realize it.  I’m spend more time worrying about how I will measure up to God, and trying to orchestrate some sort of God-event than I do simply waiting on God.

Scripture is full of stories of people who come to God just as they are, and God comes to them.  They don’t have to do anything to earn it; they don’t really deserve it.  It’s simply by the grace that they get to meet God. 

Our hymns echo that truth.  

Just as I am, without one plea,
But that Thy blood was shed for me,
And that Thou bidst me come to Thee,
O Lamb of God, I come, I come.

Charlotte Elliot, 1835

I know that in my head, but there’s a part of me that just can’t quite believe it.  

But as I sat on the rock, I thought of my my eighteen-month-old goddaughter.  Much as I’m looking forward to her learning to call me Godmama, and drawing me pictures, and sharing my love of the bible, the very best times are when she puts up her arms to be held and snuggles against me.  What if God enjoys having me around as much as I enjoy having my godbaby around? 

And God does.  God created humanity, and looked upon us, and saw that this creation was very good (Genesis 1). God doesn’t delight in strength or speed but takes pleasure in those who hope in his steadfast love.” (Psalm 147)  That’s us.  God delights in us.

At the end of my retreat, I was slightly sunburned, had written three pages in my journal,  and didn’t need the knitting or the novel or books.  If anything, the time went too quickly.   Because God was there waiting, and is, and will be, any time I stop long enough to notice.